So this week, Benjamin got sick with a viral infection. He was warm to the touch, sore throat, not drinking much fluid, seemed to have a body rash, and on top of it all we are TEETHING! And with bad teething besides the obvious it comes with a warm temperature and a diaper rash. Ben is so pitiful. The pains are keeping him from sleeping, making him altogether miserable, making me miserable!
The worst part about any teething, pains, and/or illness in your child is the sole fact that there is only so much you can do about it. There aren't enough solutions of medicines, antibiotics, butt pastes, baby powders, teethers, and cuddling that can cure anything he's got immediately in that moment. So you do all that you can. You meet his needs, and then some. You make sure he's eaten/hydrated or at least attempted to, that he's got a fresh diaper, that he's clean, that he's comfortable, not being too hot or too cold, while also babying your poor baby. And even through all of that, it is sometimes just not enough. It hurts as a parent to know that, that your all is sometimes not enough. And you are re-reminded of this fact everytime they are hurt or sick.
Benjamin is not a fussy child. Even though we started our two year old tantrums early, he is overall a very good boy. But this viral infection is the worst that he's been through yet. And no matter how much I cuddle him, he can never get comfortable enough because he is so sick and hurting. Even when he was completely exhausted and clearly needing rest, he couldn't get to sleep because he was so miserable. It took almost three hours of attempts at any and everything I could think of to get him to sleep. And in the end, I was also crying and he ultimately fell asleep because he had used the rest of his energy crying and screaming that entire time. Several times through it I was crying along with him, I just wanted it to stop, I had done everything I could and I couldn't handle him feeling like that. As his mother, I am his sense of comfort and I am who takes care of him and makes him feel better, and imagining him wondering why I was just sitting there letting him cry, letting him be sick and hurting, was too much to bear.
So we cried. We rocked, we bounced, we carried, we patted, we laid, we even swaddled (yes, I tried swaddling my three foot toddler), we attempted crying it out, nothing. Eventually after those three hours he finally went to sleep. I had to go in a separate room and sit in complete silence for a while to keep myself from losing it.
.....Parenting is hard.
There is so much you're not prepared for, that you can't prepare for. It's hard work, it can be so stressful, and it's a true test of your patience and teaching ability. But through it all it is the most rewarding gift that life has, being that it is the gift of life itself. It is a one of a kind love that is truly like nothing else. But with that gift and love comes a price that can truly break your heart. With that intense love for them, comes that true hurt for them as well.
I never want Ben to hurt or be sick or be sad. But it's inevitable. And it's one of the hardest facts to learn and accept over and over again as a parent.
After the nightmare of our day, you are finally resting, and I hope when you wake you feel a least a tiny bit better Ben. When you're older and reading this, I hope it sheds some light on how much I truly love you, and how much I do and would do so you are always okay and happy.
